Can you clean your brain with Clorox?

So Big One and I are sitting at the kitchen table doing her homework and I look up and outside on our swingset there is my neighbor and his little girl Peyton who is 3. No biggie, they play on our playground all the time. They don't have one and my minis have too much of one. They come over a lot in the late evening and she swings and swings and swings and occasionally slides or jumps or something but usually it's after my minis are done for the day and inside getting showered or doing homework or reading or whatever (see how I make it look we are doing constructive things and not eating chocolate and ice cream and watching TV......cause we aren't.....usually).


Well, Big One and I were finishing up the ice cream her homework and she wanted to go back out and swing a little bit before she had to get a shower and go to bed. I say okay and she goes out. I fix myself a spritzer and go outside myself. The neighbor dude is up by the trampoline sitting on one of the little plastic Step 2 chairs slamming beers (brought his own cooler) watching the minis play while LOUDLY talking to his assistant manager about getting an apartment together on his cell phone. So loudly that I could hear him across the yard and the little ones were right there beside him. As far as I knew his little girl did not know (someone has some 'splainin to do) that he and his wife of 5 years are separating and he plans to move out soon, but I'm pretty sure the cat's out of the bag now. She comes running over to me, who happens to be eavesdropping mindlessly reading my magazine while sipping my spritzer swinging on the patio swing and she says "My Mommy is gonna be mad". (me) "Oh yeah? Why's that?" (her) "Daddy not appost to (supposed to for those that don't speak toddlerese) dink bear" (me) "hmmm, your Mommy doesn't want your Daddy to drink beer?". (her) "Nope, Daddy gonna get in twouble". (me) "Uh Oh, well you better go tell Daddy then".

About 5 minutes later neighbor dude has successfully pawned the 3 year old off on Big One and comes over to the patio where I am now thinking about potting my plants. He starts telling me in his loudest voice EVER how he and his "soon to be ex-wife" are having major blow out fights and going on and on about all their marital issues and nonmarital issues and I'm actually starting to feel sorry for the guy who normally really irritates the shit out of me (especially when screaming about grown up private issues in front of small children)...UNTIL he goes into how she "likes her dildo more than she likes me" and "sex with her is like......." STOP.RIGHT.THERE.NEIGHBOR.DUDE. That falls into the category Information Overload and I'm now going to feign suddenly remembering something VERY important and grab my Big One and run inside and lock the doors. I'm going to pretend we didn't have this conversation so I don't have to get that mental picture in my head EVER EVER again.

I need to know how to scour my brain please......suggestions

I always knew I'd be royalty

and Swoozie made my dreams come true! Isn't this award very Sparkerly (as Big One used to say)?! I loves it!

I am VERY extremely late passing this on and thanking ((((HUGS)))) her. I suck like that, get used to it.

Rules......well since I'm the Queen of all that is Awesummmmmm I hereby rule that rules are to be changed! Watch out ya'll, someone has given her powers and she's not afraid to throw them around.....Here are the real rules:

*List 7 Things That Make You Awe-Summm!

*Pass It On To 7 Bloggers Who Are Awe-Summm!

*Be Sure To Tag Your Awe-Summm Bloggers To Let Them Know!

*Then Link Back To The Queen That Tagged You!

and here are MY rules:

I get to be the Queen of Awesomeness today and tomorrow I will let someone else take over (maybe.....depends on how big my power trip is tomorrow). I don't like to 'toot my own horn' so to speak so I'll just let you believe that EVERYTHING about me is AWE-SUMMMM and that's how I got to be the Queen (pfffftttt.....)

Blogger Barbie

Time for Blogger Barbie to put the laptop down

toothy tale

"I am seven years old and all my friends have lost at least 5 teeth and Abby has lost EIGHT and I haven't lost any. What's wrong with me Mommy?" "My teeth aren't right."

"No Big One there is nothing wrong with your teeth, in fact, the dentist says that the longer it takes you to lose them the better your adult teeth will be"

"He didn't say that, whatever"

"He did too, you want me to call him and let you talk to him?"

"Well, it's not fair. Why can't I just be normal"

"You are better than normal Big One"

"Whatever"
________________________________________________

"MOMMY!!! I have a loose tooth!!! It's wiggly, come feel it!!"

(um, yeah, it's notsomuch loose as it is still exactly where it's always been.....but)
"Oh sure Big One, it might be getting slightly loose." "VERY slightly"

"But that's something! It's loose!!! I have a loose tooth, I have a loose tooth" (doing the 'loose tooth dance')

________________________________________________
2 months later.....

"Look Mommy, my loose tooth is getting MORE wiggly!" "You can SEE it wiggle now!"

(if you force it, REALLY really force it, it wiggles a little.....but who am I to crush the dream)

________________________________________________
2 weeks later......

"feel it Mommy, feel my tooth, it's very very wiggly now! I think it's ready to come out"

(okay, now we are getting somewhere....at least when I feel it now I can tell it is actually a loose tooth. Not near ready to come out so to speak, but wiggly nonetheless)

________________________________________________
2 days later after near constant pushing, wiggling, playing with.....

"try to pull it out please"

"it's not ready Big One"

"just try"

"it is not ready honey"

"PUHHHHHLLLLLEEEEAAASSSEEE"

"FINE, come here" "Yep, not ready...just like I said"

"You just aren't doing it right, I'm going to Daddy"

"Whatever"

(Daddy) "It's not ready yet Big One"

(Big One storms upstairs to wiggle some more)
___________________________________________
the next day......

"can you try to pull my tooth today? Please?"

"fine, I'll try........nope, not yet"

"WHYYYYYYYY"

"be patient, it will come out lovey when it's time"

(storming back upstairs)

(Daddy gets home)

"DADDDYYYYYY......Please please please take my tooth out today"

"Okay Big One, you want it out......I WILL get it out. You might not like it, but it will be out"

"Okay Daddy, I'll do anything. I just want to have a missing tooth like everyone else"

(scary thought)

______________________________________________
15 minutes and much pushing and pulling later.................




You would have thought Santa just brought that 4wheeler again. I don't think she's ever been that excited IN.HER.LIFE.

Fantastic.

I forgot where I stashed that adorable tooth pillow.........I also don't know where I put my 'fairy dust'.......Oh and I don't have any cash......DAMMITALLTOHELL.....suck it Tooth Fairy

Don't worry, she came through.....the Husband had a 5 spot in his wallet thank goodness.....

How much do your kids get from the Tooth Fairy? I only got like a quarter or two......

I have one losing her teeth and one getting her teeth.

Fun times

Thousand Words Thursday

The flower girl in three parts......

Big One, flower girl.......18 months old......it was let's say.....a challenge

She was great up until it was time to walk down the aisle for real....that's when the fun began.. sheesh

join Jen at Cheaper than Therapy for more ATWT!!

oh no!

I totally didn't mean that the way it must be 'reading' to everyone!

What I meant was when I read it I felt a pang of guilt like crazy! But she totally didn't mean it that way......she's a working mom too!

I'm just having the guilts and when I read it I felt worse......it truly is MY BAD!!

That bitch.......

I recently read something that irked me to the bone.

I'm not sure why it struck a cord THIS time, it's not like I haven't read this or similar things a hundred times before and shrugged them off. I mean after all I admit (head hanging in shame) that I was a part of one of those Birthclub Bitchfest Boards on Babycenter, which seemed sort of harmless and helpful and a way to commiserate at first but quickly turned into something darker and more, shall we say bitchy.

Now, I'm not sure why this irked me, perhaps because "the truth hurts" as they say, or perhaps because "if you don't have a career or a mortgage, you don't understand". The comment was not directed at me or anyone I know (I don't think???), but for some reason reading it just put a fire in my belly (or was that the 5 wine spritzers and the extra dose of Nyquil?)

Anyway, I'll admit to being in a cold-medicine induced fog even today (no spritzers yet, pinky swear) so that could be it. Or maybe it's almost 'that time' of the month, although I don't think it is. Maybe I'm just being hypersensitive? Maybe, well, actually who cares anyway.

I've always let this kind of crap just roll off my back. I'm living for me and my family anyway, right?

Is that guilt I see creeping up your back? Why, perhaps it is.....

The sentence was as simple as this.......I don't know why people have children that they have no intention of taking care of.

And the thing is, it's dead on. She was DEAD on. I fully intended to send both minis to daycare from day one. And some days I feel guilty (today) and most days I don't.

Oh wait a minute.....I don't think she meant working Mom's vs. Stay at Home Mom's.....I think she meant something else.

My bad.

---------------------------------------------------

See how that riles something up inside? The 'controversy'......even the thought of the controversy.

I'm sure it will be recognized, so don't get mad at me you know who you are. I was having a 'guilty' working mom day and I read that and it made the Guilty Working Mommy inside me jump to the defense!

that bitch.....

Thousand Words Thursday

Hippity Hoppity Easter's on it's Way!

Happy Easter Everyone!

Straight out of camera images....sorry.....no photoshop on work computer

Join Jen at Cheaper than Therapy for more Thousand Words Thursday!

Seek and ye shall find....

Every year we make Big One work for her Easter basket. Not as in manual labor work but we do a scavenger hunt.....well not us of course the "EASTER BUNNY" leaves the clues. I thought that I would share this years clue set with you guys. It is the most fun. She never wants the hunt to end. It's the best part of Easter for her (I know, I know....go to Church).....but it is. She doesn't even care what's in the basket at the end (well, maybe just a little bit)

I print the clues in Microsoft word using a two column table. One column has an Easter Clip Art inserted and the other column has a clue. I cut them up and put each clue inside a plastic Easter Egg and hide it (with one exception this year..you'll see). Not 'in plain sight' hide it, it is HIDDEN. I mean when she comes downstairs there are no eggs in plain sight.

First there is a BIG plastic egg (about 10 inches long or so) with the first clue inside sitting on her bedside table when she wakes up and here's how it goes:

1. (Bedside table clue) - Happy Easter XXXson! (edited out Big One's name) Get up, let's have fun!
I've pulled my yearly stunt so come on and let's hunt!!
I am silly it's true and HERE'S your first clue:

Your little sister is so super cute.
Your clue is with her, near where she 'toots'

(this clue is taped to the outside of little sister's diaper - the only one not hidden in an egg)

2. (Diaper clue) - You found the big clue on Xxxxe's (edited out Little One's name) down under.
Go look in the den near your Elf buddy "Thunder"

(we enlisted Santa's little 'Elf on the Shelf' for a little mid year spying and clue hiding...will be bringing him out for an Easter appearance Sunday)

3. (Thunder the Elf clue) - You found this one quick! You are nobody's fool.
You better look next where your Daddy plays pool!

(outside above the offset garage there is a mancave utopia, that's where the pool table is)

4. (Pool room clue) - WOW! You flew up those stairs just like you had wings!
I bet your next clue is out by the swings

5. (swingset clue) - Don't worry, your next clue is not far.
You just need to look in your Mommy's big car.

6. (Toyota Suck-ouia clue) - You sniffed this right out, just like a fox.
I bet your next clue is near the mailbox...

7. (mailbox clue) - So that my clues don't get you stuck,
You better go look in your Daddy's big truck!

8. (F150 clue) - If you eat too much candy you will surely get ill.
But to find your next clue go and look near the grill.

9. (Grill clue) - Hope this treasure hunt fills you with glee.
I bet your next clue is near your fun Wii

10. (Wii clue) - Sometimes when you search you must stand on your head.
Maybe go check under Mom and Dad's bed.

11. (Bed clue) - The Easter Eggs are near now, on this I would bet.
The next clue is hiding where it's bound to get wet!

12. (Shower clue) - Roses are Red, Violets are Blue
Go Look in the place where you keep your shoes.

13. (Shoe bench in foyer) - You almost found all of them, boy you are FAST!
Just one more clue that you have to get past.

You're almost to the final treat!
Your next clue is where you brush your teeth!

14. (Upstairs kid's bathroom) - Well looky at you! This is your last clue!
No need to cry, go look where the clothes dry.....

Easter basket in the dryer......

Last year she was still learning to read so we helped her more than we'll have to this year. Year before we used a lot more pictures. She loves loves loves this. The basket was in the outside refrigerator in the garage last year, year before it was inside her playhouse outside, year before it was in the front seat of the neighbors car (yes they knew....) and so on.....

Be creative, use my clues, make up your own, start a tradition. It's TOO much fun!

I'll post photos of the hunt....pinky swear

This hereby qualifies as my Easter post......

As If.....

I have a guy friend that is kind of more like a brother and we'll call him So-and-So.

So I get an email this morning that goes something like this "So-and-So added you as a friend on Plaxo".

and in my head I'm all "hmmm.....WTF is Plaxo?"

(me) "So-and-So.....WTF is Plaxo dude?"

(him) "it's this website you join and get to talk to all your friends and family and stuff and set up a profile and whatever..it's cool, not like that MySpace shit for teenagers"

(me) "So it's Facebook"

(him) "Facebook?"

(me) "dude, seriously?"

(him) "Seriously"

(me) "whatever douchebag.....I'm not joining 'Plaxo'....I'm already FaceCracking, Twittering and Blogging, which leaves little precious time for working and mothering so either join Facebook with the rest of the world or be on Plaxo ALONE.......Plaxo....really"


Are YOU on Plaxo? I mean, am I just behind the times now? Do I have to do Plaxo too? I'm just going to have to say no to another social outlet. I can barely keep up with the Joneses as it is....

stop the presses.......there's more

a transcript of the interview from Spanish Glamour where that vision of hotness photo came from.....

(if you aren't a Twilighter...then why aren't you?......excuse these little outbursts.....)

They say this British guy started to work in the industry because he wanted to meet girls. What he didn’t know is that his life was going to change forever once he got cast as the teenage vampire Edward Cullen, hero to millions of teenagers thanks to the famous Twilight saga written by Stephenie Meyer. We’re in the city of Los Angeles and we speak with this peculiar actor that will become our Salvador Dali very soon.

Does Twilight remind you of your real life and high school, when two people are attracted to each other with such energy?

Yes, although I had really bad luck with girls (as if that's possible), the ones I liked hated me and the ones that liked me were not my type. But that’s something that I still go through, I like girls that I shouldn’t like. But I’m learning and now I take my time before I let the girl know.

Do you believe in obsessive love?

Yes, but only from a girl’s point of view. I don’t think men are like that. Not many men read Stephenie Meyer books anyway.

You’re right. That’s what I was going to ask you. Do you believe this story was tailor made for young girls?

Yes, it’s so weird and funny. After reading the books I’ve been asking myself why do women act like that, why do they behave like that, especially younger girls. They turn into freaks when it comes to boys. I like normal girls who don’t pretend to be anything else. (raising hand and waving...pick me pick me.....WHAT....I'm normal.....sort of)

Would you like to live forever?

No, although it does have its advantages.

Do you understand the attraction and mystery around vampires?

I’ve never been interested in vampires (me either, at least not until YOU became one...told you we were made for each other), although I understand why they’re so appealing to some people.

How are you handling being the new It Boy, being in so many covers of magazines now all over the world?

I don’t mind (I'm sure you don't....hello Money Train), my character is so good and he deserves to be admired. From the moment I signed up for this I knew what I was getting myself into. Edward is a vampire, he’s not a hero like Superman, he’s a vampire in love who wants to be normal.

It took him 90 years for him to find love. Do you believe in love at first sight?

That’s so boring! (pshhhht.....yeah.....SO boring) I think we all have the right to fall in love several times. The conventional idea of love, the idea of being with somebody for the rest of your life and love her forever sounds so silly to me, and so unrealistic. I think you can love ten people at the same time (laughs).

What are your biggest passions?

I’m boring. I like reading (ME TOO!!!), watching movies (OMG....ME TOO!! scary how much we have in common) and playing the piano (is that code for sexytime? if so.....ME TOO!).

Would it scare you to fall in love like the characters in Twilight?

Yes, because it’s an obsessive love, a sick love. When you fall in love and you lose yourself like that (I have no idea what you are talking about Edward......err I mean Robert...). Imagine falling in love like that!

Do you get hit on by difficult women?

I’m crazy about independent women who don’t require too much attention.

Have you ever used the phrase “I’m an actor” as a pick up line?

No, that phrase doesn’t work here in LA - everybody is an actor here.

Are you planning on going to college?

Yes, but I’m planning on taking it slowly, probably when I’m 28. As an actor you have to take advantage of the opportunities you get and not letting them pass by.

Do you remember the first time you loved someone?

Yes. It’s weird to enjoy your first love, especially if the relationship lasts a long time. Our relationship was really beautiful, but we didn’t have an obsessive love like in the movie. Her presence in my life made me very happy for three years. Now it’s kind of hard to talk about it.

we interrupt this Thousand Words Thursday

and you know I would never if it weren't necessary but ladies......please.....is he not worth it?

GOOD LAWD AT THE HOTNESS!

Thousand Words Thursday

Little One waiting for Daddy to come back inside (and banging on the window and yelling DADADADADADADADA at the top of her lungs......you didn't hear her where you live?)

Join Jen at Cheaper Than Therapy for more A Thousand Words Thursday!

Friday Fragments - the Wednesday Edition

I won't be around on Friday and Thursday I have a cutie patootie photo of Little One for ATWT so today is Friday Fragments the Wednesday Edition....

*the kitten/cat (she's in that awkward adolescent stage) has a death wish and is using up her nine lives in record time. She has jumped from the upstairs landing onto the hardwoods 13 feet below (we thought she broke her leg but thankfully $350 worth of Emergency-Vet-Hospital-on-a-Sunday later it was just a sprained knee). She has decided to take a nap under the recliner that was open with the Husband napping above her (until the doorbell rang and he closed the recliner real fast as it jolted him awake thus closing the kitten aka The Dumb Blonde inside) and so once he gets her out she is heaving and panting and limping and crying and another $350 Emergency Vet Hospital bill later it turns out she got the wind knocked out of her.....("I'll knock the wind out of her furry little ass" he says......"didn't we just pay for that" I say). Then she was playing with a couple of those cat toys that look almost like a fishing pole or something...a long wand with a feather thing dangling from a string and again the Husband was asleep in the recliner (anyone see a pattern forming?) and he hears a gasping "meow" from behind the sofa...lo and behold it's Bella choking with two of those toys wrapped around her neck....thank God he was home (and yes, we took them away. The wand toys have been excommunicated only to be played with under adult supervision). Last night she decided it might be fun to chew on the lamp cord and I don't think I need to tell you how that turned out......

yes, she's still alive but my wallet has yet another hole burned into it

*Today was Tacky Day at school so Big One wore her hair in two crazy bows that don't match, two different earrings, a boot and a tennis shoe, a pink and yellow striped knee sock and a lavender bobby sock, jeans rolled up on one side, a loud flowered shirt with a navy and white and pink argyle sweater on top, with some crazy jewelry. She was tacked out to the max. So we are waiting in the garage for her ride to pick her up this morning and she is all excited about how crazy tacky she is when the car pulls up. She rides to school with two neighbor girls that are 1 and 3 years older than her and let me tell you those two are TOO COOL FOR SCHOOL and would never participate in such petty games. Big One suddenly became embarrassed and ashamed of her participation and they hadn't even said anything to her.....but she wants to be cool like them and when they weren't dressed up too she was mortified. I quickly came to her rescue as I saw the look in her eyes and said "Why aren't you diva's dressed for tacky day? Big One and I had THE BEST time doing this....doesn't she look so cool....I wish I could go to work like that!!" and they were all "Mom we have to go back home and fix this"......Big One perked right up so I hope I helped and wasn't the dreaded Mommy Intruder....

* Little One has 5 teeth coming in all at the same time on top. Nightmare on my street!

* I made Pioneer Woman's Barbecue Meatballs last night w/ the Mashed Potatoes (except I used red skinned (skin on) and only made 2 lbs. instead of 5lbs.) but there was not ONE BITE of the entire dinner left. They LOVED IT!! SO SO GOOD!!

* What is wrong here? Channeling a little Silence of the Lambs? I love you Robert, I do, but WOW.....again

Dear Robert,

Edward would NEVER!!

please stop.

Kthanxbai

* Who is really surprised that the Count has been getting some action on the side? I mean who besides L0000000Annnnnn the Countess....seriously

*No one wanted to enter to win the PopNots so the Mom Jen gets TWO cans. Too bad for you! (the rest of you I mean)

* WHY do people just lose all ability to drive when there is even a drop of rain on the road? Instant Idiots.....just add water

* I had Moe's for lunch today (junior Art Vandalay w/black beans and queso on the side) and I go to get my drink (the usual half sweet/half unsweet tea) and the guy behind me is all "why would you do that?" and I'm all "why do you care?".....kind of pissed me off but am I the only one that does that? Really?

* I'm doing my deceased Grandmother's taxes today (if you don't know the story.....it's here). She owes state and federal for the first time in ten years and guess who gets to pay it......no not me.....but my Dad. To my eldest son and caretaker of the past 10 years I leave.....MY DEBT!!! To my youngest most favoritist fair haired son I leave everything else.....

* I'm gonna tell you all once again how much I love my cell phone....it's the best one I have ever had and beats the keys off the Crapberry's I've had in the past! The LG Lotus (here)

* consignment rocks the house ya'll....for real. I just picked up a check for $361.00 for my stuff and how excited am I?

Okay...that's all I got today but for more Friday Fragments see Mrs. 4444.....but wait till Friday cause there more than likely won't be any more to see today!