I'm decorating my Handbasket.......

Have you ever heard the expression "going to Hell in a Handbasket"? This is touchy and you might decide I don't deserve you because I am evil and terrible and have a one way ticket to Hell in my back pocket.......but here goes.....

Have you ever lost anyone? Not lost as in misplaced.....but lost as in they died? I have. In fact I just did.....last night. Namely my Grandmother.

It's okay......really.....I'm okay. I'm fine in fact......perfectly fine. I don't feel any different than I felt yesterday or the day before actually. I'm still tired from lack of sleep with sick minis.....but other than that I'm fine.

I think that's what is bothering me. I'm feeling guilty about not being more upset....or upset at all. See 3 years ago last Friday I lost my other Grandmother and it was devastating in a way I have never felt before and hope to never feel again. I still miss her every day. I wear her necklace every day and I will never stop missing her. I cried for weeks.....months probably and still cry every now and then. There is a hole in my heart that is missing her.....

I only saw her a couple times a year, but I was close to her....so very close. My Grandmother that passed last night lived a few miles from me almost my entire life.....yet it seemed like she lived on another planet. I only saw her on holidays at that side of the family's somewhat forced gatherings. That side is the 'fake' side. The side where no one likes each other but fakes it on the holidays and stuff. No one is close.....everyone is kept at arms length. There is no hugging, there are no I love you's. She was like that to the extreme. She had no friends and liked it that way. She had no social life, she didn't want one. She was a loner. In fact I still wonder how she ended up with three children being like she was..granted they grew up in that environment and it's so obvious in all three boys. They are a cold standoffish bunch. They will never have warm hearts, enveloping hugs that your whole body sort of folds into and a smile on their face when you walk into the room. She was different. Polar opposite of my other Grandmother. She played favorites and had a stinging personality. I was never close to her no matter how hard I tried. Some time in my early twenties I had some deep 'need' to try to be close to her while I still had a chance.....but that fizzled out after a while.

I felt sorry for her because her last years weren't kind to her......she was miserable. She had a degenerative nerve disorder and by the time she died, she was done. Done with life.....done with us......done with everything. She was miserable and wanted out. Now she's out. I'm almost happy for her.....she's not miserable anymore and it's what she wanted. She had no use for this life.

So I'm not sad. I'm not anything. I'm sad for my Dad because he lost his Mom today. I'm sad that he's sad.......but I couldn't muster even a tear.....and I know it's awful. I know. I will not miss her, I probably won't think of her often and I probably won't talk about her much.

All I can think of is that she's in me. I have her genes. How can that be......which ones did I get and which ones did my children get and can I ever tell them enough that I love them......will they ever feel that way about me? Am I like her and would anyone tell me if I was......

And that's why I'm busy decorating my Handbasket today........