Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Can you clean your brain with Clorox?

So Big One and I are sitting at the kitchen table doing her homework and I look up and outside on our swingset there is my neighbor and his little girl Peyton who is 3. No biggie, they play on our playground all the time. They don't have one and my minis have too much of one. They come over a lot in the late evening and she swings and swings and swings and occasionally slides or jumps or something but usually it's after my minis are done for the day and inside getting showered or doing homework or reading or whatever (see how I make it look we are doing constructive things and not eating chocolate and ice cream and watching TV......cause we aren't.....usually).

Well, Big One and I were finishing up the ice cream her homework and she wanted to go back out and swing a little bit before she had to get a shower and go to bed. I say okay and she goes out. I fix myself a spritzer and go outside myself. The neighbor dude is up by the trampoline sitting on one of the little plastic Step 2 chairs slamming beers (brought his own cooler) watching the minis play while LOUDLY talking to his assistant manager about getting an apartment together on his cell phone. So loudly that I could hear him across the yard and the little ones were right there beside him. As far as I knew his little girl did not know (someone has some 'splainin to do) that he and his wife of 5 years are separating and he plans to move out soon, but I'm pretty sure the cat's out of the bag now. She comes running over to me, who happens to be eavesdropping mindlessly reading my magazine while sipping my spritzer swinging on the patio swing and she says "My Mommy is gonna be mad". (me) "Oh yeah? Why's that?" (her) "Daddy not appost to (supposed to for those that don't speak toddlerese) dink bear" (me) "hmmm, your Mommy doesn't want your Daddy to drink beer?". (her) "Nope, Daddy gonna get in twouble". (me) "Uh Oh, well you better go tell Daddy then".

About 5 minutes later neighbor dude has successfully pawned the 3 year old off on Big One and comes over to the patio where I am now thinking about potting my plants. He starts telling me in his loudest voice EVER how he and his "soon to be ex-wife" are having major blow out fights and going on and on about all their marital issues and nonmarital issues and I'm actually starting to feel sorry for the guy who normally really irritates the shit out of me (especially when screaming about grown up private issues in front of small children)...UNTIL he goes into how she "likes her dildo more than she likes me" and "sex with her is like......." STOP.RIGHT.THERE.NEIGHBOR.DUDE. That falls into the category Information Overload and I'm now going to feign suddenly remembering something VERY important and grab my Big One and run inside and lock the doors. I'm going to pretend we didn't have this conversation so I don't have to get that mental picture in my head EVER EVER again.

I need to know how to scour my brain please......suggestions


Amy Amy Bo Bamey said...

T.M.I. There Daddy Drunk!

Ewwww Poor Little Girl!

kmoye said...

O my that is funny, oh i mean sad. i would have a hard time looking that neighbor in the face again. And i'd probably put up a no drinking sign in the backyard.

Jennifer said...

I'm laughing so hard. I can just imagine the deer-in-the-headlights look you had on your face. I would have freaked. You poor thing.

Oh Lord, my word verification is "ducker" and no, I am not lying.

kristi said...

OM to the G!!! No he di-n't!

LuLu said...

OMG!! Tell neighbor dude they are banned from the playground!!!! Isn't it crazy what some people will say?

Anonymous said...

Oh no!! Hopefully he will move out into his apartment soon and you won't ever have to see him again! That's really funny though..."Can you clean your brain with Clorox"? I just tell myself..."Find A Happy Place" while closing my eyes! LOL

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