funny or die

I'm certain you've all seen this before......even if you have, it's so funny it's worth watching again...and again.....and again. I'm not usually big on viral videos but damn this one is funny. I keep going back and watching it whenever I need a good laugh (which seems to be a lot lately) so I thought if YOU need a laugh too (and who doesn't need a laugh these days.......) click on this:

See more Will Ferrell videos at Funny or Die

told ya it was funny.......


If you can't see the video from my post (it keeps giving me an error message.....then click here)

DAMMIT

Oh. My. Gah.

So flash back to last week when I was going on and on about how Thankful I was about this and that.......HAH.....they'll be none of that funnybusiness today! Oh I'm still Thankful alright....thankful it's finally MONDAY and I'm AT WORK, where if you'll remember I'm not supposed to be today......but damn, I'd rather be here at work than in the 4th layer of Hell I was in all weekend!

Here's how it went down......


Last Thursday I am at work.....you know, working.....okay, blogging and I may have checked FaceCrack once or ten times, but I did do some work too!....and I get a call from Storage that Little One is throwing up all over the place and has diarrhea, has run through all of her Emergency Pants (2 sets of extra clothes) and smells to high heaven of various bodily fluid......yummy....So I leave work and go retrieve my little petri dish and let me just say that they were not exaggerating about the smell.....holy mother of gawd. She looks horrible, just pale as a little ghost and pitiful as she can be. I get all her dirties and gather all the food I sent for her that day that she hadn't eaten and get her out to the car.....and just as I'm buckling the carseat, yep, you guessed it..she pukes all over the place.....all over her, the carseat, my arms, etc. DAMMIT....

This goes on for the rest of the day and into the night and approximately 5 sheet changes, 6 baths and 6 costume changes later....

fast forward to Friday morning when I have to stay home with her because she can't be put in Storage when she's sick....which in turn means I've just lost one of my coveted "days off" for the following week, which is now this week and which is why I'm at work and not enjoying the day off to myself as planned.......but back to the story at hand....

she does start to get semi-better as Friday goes on but she still can't get settled and cannot sleep at all. Not even a little bit. Cannot get comfy. I'm starting to think it might be more than just the virus......I'm starting to think she might have another ear infection and DAMMIT right before surgery Wednesday. No, says the Husband, it's probably just the virus and talked me out of my 'momtuition'.....(note to self......NEVER listen to the Husband) so at about 4:00 am I hear Big One over the monitor......"Mommy!!! Mommy!!! I need you!!! I'm throwing up!!!" DAMMIT! she's got it too.....get up to her room and she and her rug and everything are COVERED....get her into the bathroom and stripped and in the tub while the Husband (yes, he actually got up and helped.....shock......and awe.....) cleans the rug and changes the sheets. Midway through Big One's washdown I start to feel.....shall we say queasy.....and DAMMIT DAMMIT, yep, I've got it too, when suddenly from the other room I hear "Honey, I don't feel so good....you think you could finish this sheet job?" DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT....now the entire family has the stomach virus from hell.

As if this were not bad enough about 6:00am my return-ear-infection-fears turned into reality when Little One's eardrum ruptured and began draining pus while she screamed at the top of her little lung capacity. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. Damn me for not listening to my instincts damn me for not listening to my 'momtuition'. So Saturday morning as soon as the Pediatrician opened (mine is open Saturdays and Sundays for just these situations.....God bless them)....I called and I explained the stomach virus situation and the ear situation and they wanted to see her even though I might spread the creeping crud while I was there....."make sure you have a bucket handy" I say......NOT. KIDDING. So I take her and it is exactly what I told them it was and they gave hear eardrops so the infection didn't spread to the outer ear and an antibiotic. Fine. I go wait in line, feeling like death warmed over and like I might puke all over the Pharmacy Section of Target at any moment and WHY is everyone and their momma getting prescriptions at Target this morning???........get her prescriptions and go home. I put the ear drops in successfully and give her the first dose of antibiotic. Finally, I can lie down for a minute.......or not.....she promptly throws up the antibiotic.....EVERYWHERE.....tell me how 1/2 a tsp turns into 1/2 a gallon in 5 minutes?... sparing the boring details (why now you ask??)....ha ha.......this happens every time I give it to her for all three doses so Sunday morning I call the Pediatrician again and they say what??? say it with me now...."Bring her back".........DAMMIT....so off I go again, still feeling like the ass end of a goat back to the Pediatrician. This time she gets the and I quote "VERY painful" Rocephin shot. Drama all over the Pediatricians office while she screams it out for the entire 20 minutes we wait to make sure there is no reaction. I'm sitting in that little examining room holding my screaming baby not wanting me or her to touch any of the germ infested surfaces in the room all the while trying not to puke......talking myself out of puking.......and the doctor tells me that her ear looks so bad they may not do the tubes on Wednesday......WHA??? NO.....NO NO NO NO NO.....they have to, this baby cannot keep doing this ear infection thing.......they just have to do it! For her sake and mine this cannot be true....

Here's the part of the story that no one in going to believe.......NO ONE......I still can't believe it. When I got home finally from this fiasco Sunday afternoon......I walked in the house and it was clean......not just clean.....SPOTLESS. And Big One was upstairs finishing up her room and the Husband was standing in the laundry room folding his third load of laundry.......AND then went to the grocery store......YES.HE.DID..........and you know what, I didn't even say thank you (patting myself on the back) because they never thank me.....and fair is fair, right?

I know....I can't believe it either.......he must have thought I was serious about that divorce thing I mentioned the other day.....

Update: surgery is ON, thank God........but we do have to start ANOTHER antibiotic tonight just to be sure......and we have to be there (an hour away from home) for her surgery at 6:15 am.....which means we'll have to leave our house at about 4:45 to drop Big One at my Mom's and get there in time........I'll let you know how it goes. Cross your fingers and say a prayer.....

The question is, will I live to see it again?

Thousand Words Thursday

Me and my BFF's (me on the far left). That was a day that I really needed my BFF's and they were right there for me as always. I love them.......

For more Thousand Words Thursday see Jen at Cheaper Than Therapy!!

Being Thankful

So I'm ready for next week. For many reasons actually. First and foremost being Thanksgiving (NOT)......oh I could lie and get all sappy and tell you wonderful stories about Thanksgivings of yore and although I do usually look forward to Thanksgiving every year, this year with the passing of my Grandmother brings different family dynamics....which I will explain later but for now, onto why I'm excited about next week FOR REAL....

1. I'm off work all week next week.

2. Not only am I off work all week, but Big One and Little One will be respectively in school and daycare even though Mommy is not at work...and YES, YES, Hell-to-the-yes I am still bringing them to school and daycare even though I'll be off....with the exception of Thanksgiving Day of course....I'm not totally devoid of that "family" love (puke)

3. I'm gettin my hair did while I'm off!! This task is well overdue, however when you are sole caregiver to an entire household including a husband you never see, two ungrateful mess making minis and a house that can't seem to stay clean or orderly, getting your hair-do on can be quite a challenge. I never have time OR a babysitter....and who takes their 6 year old and 8 1/2 month old to the salon? NOT ME! But I do love gettin my hair did.....

4. Did I mention the days off work and time to MYSELF??? Time to get my closet that is in DIRE need of some cleaning outage....organized (yeah right)

5. Getting out the Christmas decorations out (puke)

6. Taking Little One to get sewer pipes installed in her ears.......(she's getting tubes Wednesday and yes, I am excited)....call me sadistic but I have good reasons.... I know from prior experience.....3 times....with Big One is no big deal)...but nonetheless I am excited about it because it means less frequent trips to the pediatrician for antibiotics and co-pays and a happier Little One with less ear infections and the crap that goes along with them.

7. I might be able to get my house straightened out....big MIGHT

8. I'm getting a new kitten......WE are getting a new kitten, excuse me (sorry Big One)

There might be more reasons for me to be thankful next week, if I think of any you'll be the first to know.

You know, now that I think about it, once you count out Wednesday for Little One's sewer pipe procedure, Thursday for Thanksgiving and Friday the teacher workday/daycare closed my "week off" has dwindled down to two days, Monday and Tuesday to myself. CRAP...reality bites

Okay, back to why I could not possibly care less about Thanksgiving this year. Well first of all it's not at my Mom's house which is not acceptable. Mom lives a half a mile from me and I don't have to haul half my house over there when I go, she is well equipped for handling and entertaining minis. Second it's at my Aunt's house where if you so much as breathe on anything you will be looked at with shame and disgust. It's like a museum. Third, since my Grandmother is not with us this year, my aunt doesn't feel like she needs to do the regular Thanksgiving dinner. That alone fucks up the whole point of the day for me. I NEED my dressing and mashed potatoes. I look forward to that luscious stuffing cooked in the bird and the most perfect mashed potatoes ever and the broccoli casserole and the melt in your mouth goodies. Not this year. This year we'll have HAM, cause the Aunt doesn't like turkey. Who the fuck has HAM on Thanksgiving.......and I HATE ham by the way......and I don't even like that side of the family. Now I'm forced to have a family meal with the fake niceties and the fake familiness.

Really it's just a wasted day this year....a wasted day off work that could be better spent on my own stuff doing things I want to do for me....not for you or the Husband or the minis...just me. Because isn't Thanksgiving all about being selfish?....no?

and just because I think it's funny as hell I'm going to share this......if you don't already read it

http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.com/

it's funny for everyone....one of my favorite blogs

update........

two posts in one night.......aren't you lucky!!

just an update on the GD ear infection front..and since you asked, yes, yes that was Little One you heard screaming like a wild banshee when the doctor tried to look in her ears...we weren't sure if the lovely people in outer Mongolia caught it, but I'm pretty sure they must have. She has a future in acting, we should send her tapes in now. It's almost comical how fast she can turn it on and off....and only 8 months old......I shudder at the thought of future tantrums with this one

Little One is scheduled for tubes next Wednesday morning. I knew it. I saw the proverbial writing on the wall...I've been down this road before. I don't like this road, but it is a better road than constant ear infections and antibiotics.....

I'm rethinking the TIVO watching

I've decided it would be better for us all for me to grab a glass of wine (hate to let that last bit of that bottle go to waste ya know) and a cigarette (GASP!!!......leave me alone I deserve it) and when I'm done with that little slice of heaven.......I'll watch some TIVO until I crash

Parenting.....the Said So way

so I'm not really enjoying this whole single parenting gig I've been forced into, what with the Husband's suck ass new work hours. You know, it's not like I wasn't already doing everything anyway, but somehow it seems like I can't get ahead of myself and everywhere I turn there is something to be done....a mess to be cleaned up, a load of laundry to do, a dish to be washed, a bottle to be washed, a bottle to be made, a bed to be made, a bathroom to clean, a floor to be vacuumed, bills to be paid, work to be on time for, homework to help with, baths to give, stories to be read, dinner to be made, dinner to be put away, mouths to feed, minis to take care of, etc.....ALL BY MYSELF.....which means that during this time of year when I am extremely busy with photography work where there are consults and pictures to be taken and pictures to be edited (which takes time........of which I have NONE) and clients to advise and cards to be picked out and announcements to work up and orders to be sent in and delivered, etc, that I have even less of myself to give.

I feel like my life is running in circles and I'm getting a little of this done and a smattering of that done......but nothing completed, at least not to my standards. I am running myself completely into the ground and I have no time to myself. "that's what you get for having minis".....I know, I know. I'm trying here......really trying. Running out of fuel fast and hard, and hanging by a thread or two but I'm trying. I didn't sign up for this.....I think someone is playing a cruel joke on me. I'm not sure my parenting is up to par....but you know what, they are fed, clothed, educated, healthy girls........so what if they are neglected emotionally.....kidding....sort of

Big One learned to ride her bike yesterday. Yay Big One! So I know you are picturing the Husband running up and down the street behind Big One helping her learn, cheering her on...."you're doing great Big One!" "almost, sweetheart...you've almost got it!".......what a proud moment in parenting, right?! Your eldest daughter has learned to ride her bike.......FINALLY. . (insert record screeching sound effect here)

Notsomuch

What actually happened is this:

Big One has been trying on and off for the past year to learn to ride her bike. She just could not do it with the Husband or with me. We tried continually. We ran...we caught the falling mini...we encouraged....we were exhausted. So the bike was put away to collect dust in the garage until yesterday when she decided she was ready to try it again..........soooooooo The Husband takes Big One, her bicycle, her helmet and a pat on the back over to the neighbor's house, drops her off and 20 minutes later she comes riding up the street on her bicycle...."I did it" "I'm doing it!! I'm riding my bike"

Yep, the neighbor taught her to ride her bike and in like 5 minutes........

We are so proud......of her......not us........we suck.......this is just MORE proof of how bad we suck!

So cheers Neighbor Dude, we couldn't have done it without you. Thanks for taking our parent cards and flushing them down the toilet.......

Sigh......

Off to try to catch a minute of 30million hours of TIVO'd programming before I crash.....

Wal Mart Bingo

someone sent this to me.....









hey wait a minute......I buy beer and diapers in the same trip to WalMart....who doesn't??

Thousand Words Thursday

My very good friend just celebrated her 5th wedding anniversary in the Cayman Islands. Big One was the flower girl in her wedding 5 years ago today in Ocoee Florida. It was a beautiful wedding out by the water.......and it was Florida in November......who can ask for more.....

So in honor of my friend........today's Thousand Words Thursday is Big One as an 18month old Flower Girl......

For more Thousand Words Thursday see my girl Jen at Cheaper than Therapy!

it's baaaaaaack...

again with the ear infection? Seriously?!

I leave work AGAIN early yesterday to pick up the minis for a lab visit at the pediatrician. Little One to get her monthly Synagis vaccine and flu shot and Big One for her second Flu Mist. The pediatrician decided to check out Little One because of the recent ear issues and chest infection to give her the all-clear for the flu shot....lo and behold the GD ear infection is BACK....AGAIN...

FUCK!... I say....OUT LOUD in the pediatrician's office......

Mom of the Year.....right here....

We see the ENT on Monday. I don't know why I'm shocked, I've got allergies that require weekly allergy injections and Big One had (is growing out of...thankfully) allergies and constant ear infections as a baby. She ended up with 3 sets of tubes and adenoids removed and finally outgrew it. Extremely small ear canals run in my family big time.

De ja vu

sick of the sick....

All of this late-afternoon early-evening doctor visiting with no Husband to watch after Little Sick One meant Big One missed Daisy's (Girl Scouts) last night. Holy motherbitch you would have thought someone took her out back and shot her puppy in the head (relax, we don't have a gun....or a puppy...). It was that kind of drama. The kind this Mom wasn't into last night. It was not a good night at the Said So house.......but there haven't been a lot of good nights for me in, let's see, how old is Little One....8 months

I am completely over the pacifier round-up at all hours of the night. She CAN get it in herself now, she just doesn't do it. It's more fun to make Mommy insane I guess......she's close to successful at forcing me into Dorthea Dix

I remember this stage with Big One.....how I'd wished maybe I'd just let her suck her thumb instead....and before you launch the 'thumb sucking' 'pacifier' orthodontic brigade.....I KNOW

but dammit I'm tired and it might be worth the $5000 for braces later for a little sleep tonight...

Friday Fragments

it's Friday and I'm feeling pretty good about life today....so how about Fantastic Friday!!

Buckle up friends.....here we go!

1. We just got the most FANTASTIC news about my Dad's cancer today and that's why I'm on cloud 9 this afternoon......there is no bursting my bubble today!!!

2. I knew it was going to be a FANTASTIC day when I got in my car this morning and it was sitting on FULL.....the Husband took it last night when he got home from work while I was sleeping and filled it up.....he does good things SOMETIMES....

3. I got the primo parking spot in front of my favorite cupcake-for-lunch Cafe.....and yes, once again I had a cupcake for lunch.....what can make a Friday more FANTASTIC than a damn cupcake for lunch!!

4. After a solid year of dating I finally met my brother's mystery girlfriend.......now I know why she's been a mystery.....kidding.....sort of

5. I have on the most FANTASTIC looking shoes today.....key word there is LOOKING, cause they ain't FEELING so fantastic!

6. I have 3 shoots this weekend for Christmas pictures......much needed income....money is ALWAYS FANTASTIC!

7. I wish I were more ambitious and had more time on my hands to be part of these bloggy fun Secret Santas and Preppy Decoration Swap things.....

8. Little One has been sleeping until about 7:00am........does this mean I will actually get to sleep until 7:00am tomorrow? That would be FANTASTIC!!....I'm not holding my breath though

9. Dammit, I've got 3 shoots this weekend for Christmas pictures and I haven't got my shit together...not so FANTASTIC, but see #6

10. I am not going to get all political on you now.....but I think the election outcome is FAN-FREAKIN-TASTIC!!!!!

for more Friday Fragments, see Mrs.4444!!

Happy Friday Friends!

Thousand Words Thursday.....the Friday Edition

okay, so I'm a day late and a dollar short......what's new people

My favorite picture EVER of Big One......and my favorite that I've taken ever.......I'm feeling nostalgic this afternoon

Check out Jen at Cheaper than Therapy for more Thousand Words Thursday!

FaceCrack Chronicles -part II

Sorry for the lack of attention to the blog this week.....feel like I've been apologizing for that a lot lately. My mind has been otherwise occupied with cancer and work and minis and I have not had any good or uplifting posts roaming around the old brain this week.

so how about another FaceCrack Chronicles?

Okay so I'm on FaceCrack as you all know by now. For a while I was all about FaceCrack and spent a lot of time on it and added new friends and did a lot of catching up. Left and right I'm adding friends and decorating Christmas trees and starting farms (wha?) and receiving Flair and bumper stickers and passing drinks and being super poked (and not in THAT way....get your mind out of the gutter). I open my email one day and there is a "friend" request.....so I go to FaceCrack thinking its going to be another "friend" from high school or something. It is NOT a friend from high school or a new friend or even an old friend, it's not a friend at all......it's this guy I hooked up with in 1993, went out with him 3 or 4 times till he started getting all attached and wanting to be my boyfriend and I quickly left skid marks in the other direction and never talked to him again......yep, he found me......HOW he found me I will never know but he found me. You see my name on FaceCrack is my married name, not my maiden name so I haven't a clue as to how he found me. He isn't "friends" with any of my "friends" on there so I know that's not how.

and since you asked, yes, I did click 'ignore'. A week or so later it shows up again.....so and so requests you as a 'friend'.......OMG......he's stalking me. I'm a little worried about this FaceCrack stalker. I mean I don't think he'd do anything and he certainly has no idea where I live or anything.....the interwebz is a very scary little place. A wonderful place and FaceCrack is addictive for a minute but something like that will make you stop and think for at least 30 seconds before logging back on......but it hasn't stopped me from commenting and messaging on FaceCrack at all.......I need help

And for those of you who read my FaceCrack Chronicles mystery blogger post on My Therapy when Tena was on her extended vacay the update is that she continued adding my 'friends' one at a time right on down the list. The kicker was her requesting to be friends with my brother.......yes she did

say a prayer for my Dad bloggy friends........we need as many as we can get

sweet dreams.....or not

(note to self: Don't let Mother In Law babysit on a school night....or any night that involves putting children to bed......or ever)

so last night was Football 201. My Mom and I and a couple girlfriends go every year. There is a Football 101 that precedes it. For those who don't know, I am a football freak. I love football and I love love love my Panthers. Football 101 is essentially a "class" for women who want to learn more about football so they can enjoy it more with their husbands or whoever....and by "class" I mean leave work early and go to the stadium, drink champagne while milling around the team store doing my favorite pastime (shopping!) then escorted up to the club level where you have a wonderful catered buffet dinner and all the beer and wine you care to drink and 4 or 5 of the players come and talk and answer questions and sign autographs, etc. for the next 3 hours. It probably sounds like a big yawn for those that don't like football, but trust me, I've been going every year for 10 years and it's so much fun. Well, Football 201 takes it a step further, they talk more about the CBA and scouting and recruiting and the NFL and all kinds of interesting stuff. If you have a team in your area, I think almost all of the organizations have a program like this.....I highly recommend it even if you aren't a football lover.

Back to my story......so now that the Husband has these inane new hours my built in babysitter was gone.....SHIT....now I need a sitter on a school night AND the sitter will have to put the minis to bed. This will not be an easy find. To my relief my mother in law came through at the last minute and offered to do it (for $50.......I'm not kidding)........but screw it, I needed a sitter and didn't want to miss my well deserved and once a year opportunity. I rushed out of work early (even though it was a HORRIBLE day and I have too much on my brain to even enjoy the night) and picked up the minis at Storage, took them home and got everything ready and laid out. I fixed bottles for Little One and dinner to microwave for Big One, there was no school the next day so we didn't have to worry about homework. I laid out pj's for both minis and had everyone situated, Little One takes a bottle and goes to bed about 7:00pm, every night, without fail, Big One can just get ready for bed and will watch TV in her room until 8 or 8:30 and go to sleep. I would be home at 9:30 and the woman has had 4 kids of her own, how hard could it be?? Well, I'm glad you asked.........apparently pretty fucking hard.

When I got home last night at 9:30...........Big One is sitting downstairs in the sun room eating candy corn and watching TV....."she didn't want supper".........Little One has 'just' fallen asleep on the couch....WHA??? It's 9:30....she goes to bed at 7:00......

"She wanted to go to bed at 6:00, and didn't want her bottle, so I let her go to bed at 6:00 and then she woke up again and I still couldn't get her to take her bottle and she never went back to sleep until just a minute ago"

Well of-fucking-course she didn't want her bottle at 6:00......she just HAD a bottle at 3:30 at Storage. She doesn't eat again until she goes to bed...at 7 or 7:30......and how did she 'want' to go to bed at 6? Did she tell you she wanted to go to bed? Did the 8 month old baby say Grandma I can't take it anymore, I've got to go to bed now........and why is she back downstairs? "she was rolling around in the crib so I brought her back down".....she's a baby, a child, a little person......they roll, they kick, they flail in their sleep.....haven't you done this before or were your 4 raised by each other?

And what's the deal with Big One? Why is she up? Why is she eating candy corn? Why is she up? Why is she still clothed? And why is she up?

it was a long night in the Said So house and I'm too tired for this working business today. I fear she has permanently fucked up my nighttime routine with the minis......I'll keep you abreast of the situation. I'm sure you can't wait for part 2 of this gripping tale.......

is it 4:30 yet?

if you haven't already...........GO VOTE!!